conversations from the past 48 hours.

Jenn: oh god, so my mom insisted on holiday pictures yesterdaythey found a santa hat for claraso undignifiedme: my mom hasnt had pants on in 2 days.TWO DAYS.she vaccuumed pantsless.me: BAKED PANTSLESS.Jenn: it’s my greatest regret not meeting phlegmhow is it warm enough to be pantless?i am currently wearing a fleece robefloor lengthreindeer snowflakes and pine treesso i’m in no position to throw stonesme: jennifer.my mother is not a skinny woman.she redefines the phrase “thunder thighs”Jenn: hahai think i need a fur coatdo you think owen would break up with me if i wore one everywhere?me: doubtfulowen doesnt seem the type to jump ship due to fashion.that’d be very hypocritical of him.Jenn: well he is a vegetarian for moral reasonsbut i really want a fur coati saw one the other dayit was hugeand fabulousme: oh pleasewhatever. he wears leather shoes. people have been wearing animals for ages.if his ancestors didnt wear fur, well, owen wouldnt be here today.let’s talk about that.

Emily: its okay. you tried.that’s what matters.me: that’s what we’re going to tell dr. crew.so what do you think of the new housewife?(gretchen)?

yes, i am referring to the real housewives of orange county.

me: i’m googling liz taylor’s eyes.
2:14 AM did you know they were violet?
Emily: i’m sure you will tell me why.
but what about bette davis’ eyes?
get it?
these eyes are blue at best. from the pictures i’ve seen.
2:18 AM i wish i would have paid better attention to her white diamond commercials.
Emily: maybe its a scam. you know, back in the days of black and white movies.
you could find one on youtube.
duh.
me: i’m not that dedicated.
2:19 AM my mattress hurts my back. is a pillowtop mattress and it’s too soft
doesnt offer enough support.
probably wasnt designed for someone to be in bed for 16 out of the 24 hours in a day though, either.
Emily: true.
we are pathetic.
me: we are not.
2:20 AM although i will let you know that i sneezed a bit ago and snot was all down the front of my tshirt for a bit until i realized the wet sensation on my chest.
it’s like i belong in a nursing home.

Emily:i just don’t want to be seventy on a cruise looking for love.

me: i found that poo pamphlet.

me: shit. bristol palin’s baby daddy’s mom arrested on drug charges.Emily: that warms my face.

emily: I an sitting in the car with gloves and a hat on.me: just like when you were a kid. i’m sure.i charitably just gave my brother my ipod touch.emily: He better not call you an asshole now.me: fo’ real. me: i’ll keep u occupied on your long car ride. phlegm just said “i have to rob peter to pay paul.”emily: i cantafford this communication. My dad wants to listen to a book on tape about islam all the way to ca.


Jenn: remind me to never let david talk me into smoking a bowl with himme: i love david.Jenn: we ended up in holiday sweatersme: i LOVE david.Jenn: seriously, covered in gemsthe sweater had a built-in necklaceme: david, david, david!my mom has one of those, it was my grandma’s, i think.Jenn: he also has black and gold paisley velvet paintpantsme: can david be straight and marry me?or ok, stay gay but still marry me and like, hold me at night?Jenn: OH, he also has a christmas tree at his houseme: and then we can just bone who we want to bone?Jenn: made of pink feathersit lights upme: seriously. do you see me not responding to your messages? iwant to BE WITH david.


r: likeneeded to seem coolfor him, when he was just a sketchy dudeanywaysme: well. why didnt you tell me he was a sketch dude?if you knew all along?that is THE POINT OF YOU BEING THE MALE PRESENCE IN MY LIFE. AND LIKE, MY SURROGATE DAD.i blame you for this relationship’s failure.

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